by James Walker
Hello there. So, this might be your first time visiting this site. Thank you very much for doing so. What do you think? Do you like it? It’s a bit plain, isn’t it? Could be a bit better? Yeah, agreed, totally. I’m currently unemployed, and to make this thing look any better, I have to ‘pay’ some ‘money’. It’s about $30 to pick a better font, and make the place look a bit nicer. I really hope none of you have a deep-seated hatred for whatever font this is. I don’t know how that would happen, maybe Helvetica slept with your mum or something (if your dad is Helvetica, then that was completely natural, and shouldn’t have annoyed you.) You’re more than welcome to give me the money to change the font, and I definitely won’t put said money towards purchasing non-font things.
Making a good first impression can be tricky. Did you know that? Well, yes, it can be, can’t it? Glad we’re agreed on that. I thought I was quite good at it. I thought, after being alive for a bit (21 years) that I’d almost mastered the art of meeting new people, greeting, getting to talk to this person for the first time. But last night, I was meeting a guy, asked his name, he said ‘David’ and then asked my name, to which I also said ‘David’. My name is not David. I then had to admit that I’d just ‘panicked in the moment’ and apologise. I shouldn’t be panicking there. If David was a mugger, then yeah, that’s fine, panicking is allowed (expected, even) but I am almost certain David was not a mugger (kind eyes.) That being said, I don’t know where my good pen is. It’s made me lose confidence, I’ve spent most of today studying up on my first name. Really nailing it in to the noggin’ (note: not enough people use noggin’ these days, see about getting that changed.)
I do hope you like this place. I’ve spent a couple of months, and some money on it. If you’re going to be a dick about the font (I’m assuming that any problem you have will be due to the style/size of the font, and not any of the content itself) then you’re more than welcome to hire someone to write out all of the website by hand. As long as you credit it. Sorry, I’m getting wound up about this before it’s even happened. That happens a lot too. I’ll think ‘I hope no one talks to me about bread today’, a friend will say ‘did you hear there’s this new bread..?’ and I’ll go off on one, as they say. ‘Shut up about the bread, mate!’ (my friends very rarely chat about bread, this is just an example. Though I am a bit intrigued as to what this ‘new bread’ is. I made it up, so I guess it can be anything. Okay then, barbecue bread. That’s what it is. It’s shit.)
Please tell all of your friends about the site. Even if you’ve not spoken for a while, and have parted ways. ‘I know we’ve not really talked for a while, and I’m sorry I shot your dog, but there’s this website full of people who think they’re funny sharing things, and I think we should meet up and read it together.’
PS. I’ve just searched google for ‘barbecue bread’ and apparently it’s already a thing, and there is a recipe by Mark. Not sure how new it is, though. Ask the ‘Mark’ guy. And check out his font. I bet you love him, don’t you? Mark, with his nice font and new bread. Disgusting.