by James Walker
So this started as a trick. I was trying to generate more traffic for the site (if you’re reading this, I’ve been a very clever boy and done exactly that) so I posted this on the Imminent Joy twitter account: I didn’t know, or have any info on who out of hollywood was the best at eating lemons, but it’s just a thing I thought might get people clicking. I’d certainly want to know if I seen that on my timeline. But then the account lost a follower. I can only apologise to that person. I’m upset by my own behaviour, and I’m sorry that I played with you like that. So sorry in fact, that here, right now, I’m going to try and make it up to you.
Now when you google ‘celebrities eating lemons’ you’d be surprised to find that there aren’t really any pictures of the rich and powerful eating the lemony things. There’s a picture of Ben Affleck eating something, but it’s not a lemon. If it is a lemon, it’s a weird showbiz lemon that he’s had his assistant get/make for him. This is probably because it’s quite an odd thing to eat when you’re just out and about. I’ve never heard anyone say ‘I just had a lemon on the way over here’. Though that may very well be more to do with the people I’m friends with more than anything else. Also, I don’t think many celebrities eat lemons because the weird faces you make when eating a lemon might cause their botox to break.
When I googled ‘eating lemons’, most results were babies crying whilst eating lemons. I assume this is due to having just eaten a bit of lemon, not them crying at the prospect of having to eat a lemon. It’s a bright yellow thing. They look like they’d be amazing to eat. And I’ve no idea if any of these babies are famous, celebrity babies. Most of the pictures are of quite a low quality though, so probably not. You’d assume that film stars, music stars etc, would be able to afford a high-quality camera or two, for their ‘taking a picture of our daughter/son eating a lemon’ needs. I’m sure those are needs that parents have.
I’ve went through quite a few ‘eating lemons’ pictures now, and they’re all just babies and some random, non-important people. I’ll try ‘film lemons’. The result won’t necessarily be people genuinely enjoying a lemon, but actors pretending to enjoy one, and at this stage, I think that’s going to be the best I can do. It’s mainly pictures of Keith Lemon in his film. I’ve seen that film, and though it does contain many a lemon, I don’t know if he actually eats one in it. And Keith is in no way an A-List celebrity. But if he becomes one, and publicly eats a lemon, I’ll happily update this.
I’m not quite sure what to do. I think I’m clearly going to have to persuade Pitt, or Jolie, or one of the other ones to eat a lemon, in front of everyone. And although I doubt it would damage their reputation, they’re very busy, and I highly doubt my ‘eat a lemon, mate’ emails to their agents are going to amount to anything (no matter how charming I was, or how many pictures of me eating lemons I included; just so they know what I’m on about.)
So. I’m afraid I let you down, random person on twitter. You can see I tried, but unfortunately, have been unable to deliver. If anyone reading can help me out, and knows a little hidden celebrity lemon site, do send a tweet to @imminentjoyHQ and we can finally sort this whole thing out. And obviously, if you happen to be an A-list celebrity, firstly, let me know that you’re a fan, I’d like that, but also if you could send me a picture of you eating lemon, that’d be great. You could just make sure you’re eating one every time some paparazzi are around; they’ll get a snap of it, surely. That’s all I’m asking. Just that you eat a lemon every single time you leave the house, on the off chance that a paparazzo will take a picture, and then upload it somewhere titled ‘celebrity eating a lemon’, so that I can then update this post. That’s all.